Fear of abandonment

The fear of abandonment is a major anxiety related to the idea that we do not deserve the love of the other and that we will be quickly rejected. This anxiety has a significant impact on your life. It is a factor of anxiety and psychological suffering. You sometimes have reactions of isolation, irritability, jealousy, aggressiveness that you don’t always understand towards the people you love. A fear of abandonment eats away the little joys you may have in your daily life.

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1. WHAT IS THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?

The fear of abandonment is the fear of being rejected or abandoned. This feeling is a chronic and anticipatory dread of being left or neglected. When you suffer from a fear of abandonment, you feel unloved or unaccepted.

This sensation creates a sense of insecurity, with the idea that at any moment, all the people you care about will leave or betray you. You feel powerless against this.

The fear of abandonment is part of emotional immaturity. Normally, we talk about abandonment in relation to children because they need their parents. However, for adults, it is slightly different, as they are supposed to be autonomous, and we usually refer to breakups for them.

2. WHAT DOES THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT ENTAIL ?

The feeling of abandonment is particularly unpleasant to experience daily, both for those who suffer from it and for their surroundings.

When you experience it, you often have very little self-confidence and seek love outside of yourself. You feel that you do not deserve to be loved because you do not see what can be appreciated in you. This search for recognition and love can be directed at all your relationships: romantic, friendly, or familial.

This results in excessive behaviors leading to self-sabotage in your relationships. Indeed, you are so afraid of being rejected and so convinced that you will be, that you do everything to make it happen (conflicts, rejection, etc.). Thus, it is difficult to imagine and have concrete plans with someone.

As a result, you have short relationships and very few social connections. This loneliness makes you sad and creates a vicious circle in the face of this feeling of abandonment.

3. HOW DOES THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT MANIFEST ?

There is no set timeline for the emergence of abandonment anxiety. Indeed, it can arise at any moment in your life, with or without apparent reason. Following a trauma or an event in your life, you may see this fear appear even though it never manifested before.

When you fear abandonment, you experience painful romantic or friendly breakups, whether it’s your choice or the other person’s. If it comes from the other person, it reinforces your belief that you cannot be loved. Conversely, if you decide to end the relationship, it is because the other person disappointed you and did not meet your expectations. According to you, the loved one does not love you enough because it is impossible to love you.

As you experience breakups and rejections, you become constantly afraid of being rejected again and again. This fear is constant, never leaving you, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Each relationship you have is meant to compensate for a lack in your life.

Finally, you have high expectations of others. Since you have been disappointed and abandoned in the past, you become increasingly demanding of others, which can make it difficult for your surroundings.

4. WHAT IS THE ORIGIN OF THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?

The fear of abandonment often originates from childhood traumas. While certain events may seem trivial to some, each person’s interpretation of their life events can have consequences. Therefore, when you are a parent, it is important to explain everything to your child, even if you feel they do not understand. It is crucial to tell them what will generate the different phases of their life.

Abandonment anxiety generally originates in childhood as it is difficult, when young, to manage this anxiety. It creates a feeling of insecurity regarding the affection and importance given to us.

It is often said that many feelings are formed in the first three years of life. During this period, parents may alternate between absence and presence, giving the child the impression that they could lose their parents at any moment. However, without it being formal or conscious, certain life events can hurt the child if they are not explained (such as going to daycare).

If, from the first hours of life, a child is separated from their mother at birth for medical reasons, they may experience a real feeling of abandonment or rejection in relation to what they need most at birth (like all mammals): their mother, who enables them to live.

Other more obvious traumas may be involved in the fear of abandonment, such as abuse, emotional deprivation, violence, bereavement, separation, emotional and physical neglect, or real abandonment. These wounds may have been minimized or unnoticed by the surroundings.

The feeling of abandonment can be transmitted from generation to generation. If your mother suffered from a fear of abandonment, it is possible she created a very close relationship with you when you were a child, making every event related to separation particularly difficult for her and you.

5. WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ON OUR LIFE ?

The feeling of abandonment is difficult to live with daily, both for you and your surroundings. It affects relationships (romantic, friendly, or familial) as you need constant proof of love. This quest for affection is almost addictive for you, making it sometimes difficult for your loved ones to bear.

A sense of injustice may arise in you. You feel you give a lot to others and invest yourself, only to be rejected in the end.

Your high expectations of others and your significant need for recognition can lead to hypersensitivity or even depression. Once in a vicious cycle, it becomes difficult for you to create new social bonds or maintain them.

You experience feelings of loneliness, withdrawal, and isolation. This, combined with increased irritability and aggression towards others and yourself, leads to growing anxiety. Everything becomes a source of anxiety, especially relationships with others.

For children, the feeling of abandonment can be recognized through physical sensations. They may have great difficulty leaving their parents, even just to go to school. This manifests through crying, screaming, and nightmares during the week.

6. HOW DOES THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT MANIFEST ?

Everyone is different and reacts uniquely to the fear they may experience.

Initially, the anxiety of abandonment is so significant that it leads to high anxiety. You may experience panic attacks, feel anxious in certain situations, and be more easily stressed.

Additionally, you have many doubts, about everything. These doubts are particularly significant in social situations. You need approval, and your surroundings help you make choices, reassure you, and ensure you are making the right decisions. These doubts are generally accompanied by anxiety-provoking thoughts. You often imagine catastrophic scenarios of what could happen in a situation, especially regarding your relationships (betrayal, abandonment, breakup, etc.). You lack self-confidence and are too harsh on yourself. You feel so insignificant that you believe you do not deserve the other person, fearing they might leave you for someone better or realize you are not good enough for them.

You seek particularly close relationships, where the loved one and you share everything, do many activities together, and never part. This person is your resource person on whom everything rests. You see this person as a savior who can pull you out of this difficulty. It is not uncommon for the fear of abandonment to be accompanied by emotional dependence, which can be harmful to you.

Some comorbidities may accompany the fear of abandonment, including addiction and eating disorders (bulimia, anorexia, etc.). In both cases, there is an idea of filling a void. Addiction also allows for numbing the pain or sorrow.

Finally, abandonment anxiety can be accompanied by physical, chronic, or non-chronic conditions, such as asthma, eczema, spasmophilia, diarrhea, etc.

7. HOW IS THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT EXPERIENCED IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP ?

Living a serene romantic relationship when you have abandonment anxiety is complicated. You seek the ideal partner, the one who does not make mistakes, who will never disappoint you. This person acts as a savior, pulling you out of the vicious cycle of disappointment and breakup. But this is impossible. At the slightest mistake, you will be disappointed and fall back into this cycle until the breakup occurs.

The romantic relationship is not balanced. Despite the love the other person may have for you, you always see yourself as a victim from which the loved one will save you. This makes the relationship non-reciprocal.

Furthermore, you seek proof of your partner’s love, regularly testing them, consciously or not, to see and know when they will disappoint you. It is important for you to have control over everything that happens or can happen. When you can no longer have this control, you feel powerless and misunderstood by those around you.

Since this scares you, you experience a paradoxical situation: you need the other person, but you do not dare to let go in your relationship. You keep your distance, remaining withdrawn and solitary. This makes it more difficult for you to create strong and authentic bonds with the person you love. Despite this, it is hard for you to separate from the person, even if you feel unhappy in your relationship.

It is so difficult for you to trust, you are so afraid that abandonment or breakup will happen, you become increasingly controlling and demanding, constantly testing your partner. You are particularly jealous, thinking they might find someone better and leave you. This results in many conflicts in the relationship. You are not always aware of your responsibility in the quarrels. Nonetheless, this causes exactly what you fear the most: breakup and abandonment.

Finally, you experience great suffering : a heavy feeling of emptiness and sadness. This manifests as significant anxiety, panic, or frustration.

8. THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT IN FRIENDSHIPS

The suffering and experience of the feeling of abandonment in friendships are similar to those in romantic relationships. The friendship is tinged with jealousy. You demand a lot of attention from your friends without necessarily daring to ask for it, and you feel bad when your friend pays particular attention to another friend.

Similarly to your partner, you are suspicious of your friends, doubting their sincerity and intentions towards you. You fear they may disappoint you. You seek perfection in others and demand from them an idealized friendship. However, this is impossible. The slightest mistake from your friends, in your eyes, will make you break up with them, feeling betrayed. This loss of trust is often definitive.

You also fear losing your friends for fear of being alone, so you invest a lot of energy and attention in them. This involves constantly seeking proof of their love and affection.

You see yourself as a victim in relationships, seeking a friend to save you, give you love, recognition, and affection. If you are too possessive with your friends, the relationship becomes non-reciprocal.

9. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY AND FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

A person with abandonment anxiety often exhibits emotional dependency. Emotional dependency is the excessive need for another person, typically a partner. This person becomes a loving presence that prevents you from feeling anxious, but from whom it is difficult to separate and upon whom you depend.

If you are emotionally dependent, you no longer live for yourself; instead, you live through the other person. This is why you continually seek the other’s approval. You are willing to do whatever pleases them, even to the point of accepting a lot from them, including mistreatment, because you have an emotional void. You feel as though you cannot live without this person, and you fear being abandoned at the slightest ripple you may cause.

You experience intense discomfort within yourself, physical pain, significant anxiety, and a constant fear of loss. This leads to a great relational imbalance that causes you suffering. Moreover, some unintentional individuals may take advantage of this, increasing the risk of encountering a narcissistic manipulator.

10. HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?

If You Are Particularly Anxious and Experience Panic Attacks, Here Are Some Tips to Manage This Anxiety

Firstly, consider practicing relaxation techniques. Become aware of your body, listen to yourself, and understand your needs. Work on letting go and practicing mindfulness. Feel in harmony with your body. Always have a calming, secure place in your mind where you feel good. You can retreat to this place whenever you need to. It might include people you love or be a place where you are alone. There might be sounds, smells, or sensations. Create this space just for you, your bubble of serenity and safety. Also, learn to breathe there calmly and serenely, at a slow but regular pace.

Similarly, focus on your physical sensations and senses. Pay attention to three things you can see, three things you can hear, three things you can touch, one thing you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Be aware of all this information coming into you. Acknowledge the power of your body to receive information and concentrate on elements that make you a unique and wonderful being.

It’s also very important to work on your self-confidence. Trust yourself and your body. Take a sheet of paper and write down all your qualities. Note each achievement you have made and the qualities you used to get there. You have countless qualities; focus on them rather than on your flaws. If this is too difficult at first, ask your loved ones to help. Ask them to explain why they believe you have a particular quality (for example: “I think you are determined because you go to the gym every evening even when you are exhausted”).

Get to Know Yourself

Engage in activities alone. Motivate yourself to spend time with yourself without fear. You could join a regular activity where you meet people (sports, crafts…) or do an activity at home that reconnects you with yourself.

Take Time to React During Conflicts

When you’re angry, do your words sometimes exceed your thoughts? You know you might regret your words, hurt someone, and feel guilty. Give yourself time to digest what has been said or done, think about the words you will choose. Avoid reacting in the heat of the moment.

11. HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT ?

It is possible to overcome the fear of abandonment. The first step is to acknowledge this fear for better management.

Therapy is crucial in this process as it helps you gain awareness by putting into words what hurts you and understanding your past. Through therapy, you can work on your self-beliefs and erroneous thoughts about your self-image.

Therapy also focuses on self-esteem and self-confidence. To feel accepted and loved by others, you must first be able to love yourself. Often, because you believe you are unlovable, you unintentionally or intentionally provoke breakups. Therapy can help you break this vicious cycle and learn to be kind to yourself.

Additionally, it’s important to learn to live autonomously and not overestimate the need for others in your life. Give yourself time to heal; don’t rush or pressure yourself too much. Engage in activities alone, whether they are manual, sports-related, or simply spending time with yourself.

Mindfulness relaxation, sophrology, or yoga can also be beneficial. These practices help you listen to yourself and your body, allowing you to enjoy spending time with yourself and appreciate who you are. Stop avoiding yourself. Make time for self-care activities (massage, manicure, painting, etc.). Choose enjoyable activities where you are the center of attention and aware of it. Savor each moment that brings you joy.

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FAQ

Virtual reality (VR) is an innovative technology that enables patients to be exposed to immersive and controlled environments, facilitating the management of numerous psychological and psychiatric disorders. Its use in mental health offers several advantages:
  • Gradual and Controlled Exposure: VR allows patients to confront anxiety-inducing situations in a secure environment, gradually adjusting the intensity of stimuli to promote habituation and emotional regulation.
  • Realistic and Reproducible Environments: Unlike traditional techniques, VR provides immersive scenarios that can be consistently reproduced, ensuring a coherent and effective approach.
  • Increased Patient Engagement: The interactive and immersive nature of VR enhances treatment adherence and motivates patients to continue their therapy.
  • Personalized Treatment: Virtual environments can be adapted to meet the specific needs of each patient.
  • Versatile Applications: VR is used to treat anxiety disorders (phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorders), addictions, mood disorders, and even cognitive remediation.
The use of virtual reality in healthcare is not new! It has been studied and utilized for over 30 years in the medical and psychological fields. As early as the 1990s, researchers began exploring its potential for treating anxiety disorders, particularly phobias and post-traumatic stress disorder. Since then, numerous scientific studies have confirmed its effectiveness in addressing various psychiatric, neurological, and cognitive disorders.
Today, VR is widely integrated into therapeutic and medical practices, with clinically validated protocols. It is used in hospitals, clinics, and psychologists' offices worldwide to provide patients with innovative, effective, and safe treatments.
To use virtual reality, one must immerse themselves in a virtual environment. There are several ways to achieve this.
In the past, the CAVE system (Cave Automatic Virtual Environment), a 3D setup consisting of multiple screen walls, was the primary method used. This system allowed users to be fully immersed in the virtual world, with their movements detected in real-time. However, this technology was expensive and not widely accessible.
Since around 2016, with the introduction of virtual reality headsets like the Oculus Rift and HTC Vive, VR has become much more accessible. These headsets immerse users in virtual reality through an enclosed screen that projects digital images. The user's head movements are tracked, enabling them to look around and interact with the environment as they would in the real world.
Today, VR headsets are wireless and standalone, providing maximum comfort and ease of use without requiring external sensors or cables.
A virtual environment is an immersive digital simulation created through virtual reality. It allows users to navigate in a 3D space that accurately replicates everyday situations or specific contexts.
In mental health, these environments are designed to help individuals gradually face certain situations, manage their emotions, or enhance cognitive skills. By interacting with these virtual spaces, patients can engage in meaningful experiences tailored to their needs.
You need to equip yourself with a virtual reality headset. Our software is compatible with Meta Quest 2, 3, and 3S. 
You will then only need an internet connection. 
Numerous studies confirm that virtual reality is safe to use. However, some restrictions are in place to protect users from potential adverse effects.
For instance, individuals with epilepsy and pregnant women should avoid this type of therapy.
As with any immersive technology, prolonged use may cause visual fatigue or mild discomfort, particularly for those sensitive to motion sickness. Therefore, it is recommended to take regular breaks and adjust session durations according to individual needs.
Virtual environments are designed to be gradual and controlled, minimizing the risk of excessive anxiety. Most users quickly adapt to immersion and experience the benefits of this innovative approach from the first sessions.
Anxiety disorders and phobias can be effectively treated using virtual reality. Patients are gradually and progressively exposed to anxiety-inducing situations in various environments while remaining in a safe space. This process helps develop a sense of habituation, ultimately reducing or even eliminating anxiety over time.
Behavioral and substance addictions can also be addressed through virtual reality. By incorporating synthetic stimuli into the environments that trigger craving responses, patients struggling with addiction can work on their cravings to diminish the urge to consume.
Additionally, multiple environments—such as bars, casinos, and social settings—enable cognitive work on dysfunctional beliefs associated with specific temptation scenarios.
Regarding eating disorders, virtual reality software helps target key etiological factors, such as body dysmorphia, allocentric lock (a tendency to focus on others rather than oneself), and food cravings.
Currently, our TERV (Virtual Reality Exposure Therapy) solutions include multiple software programs designed to address critical psychiatric, psychological, and neuropsychological determinants such as relaxation, cognitive stimulation, behavioral activation, and social skills training.
Reminiscence therapy is also a major therapeutic tool in treating depression. By allowing patients to relive sensations linked to past pleasurable activities (such as sports, driving, or traveling), virtual reality stimulates hypoactive brain areas, enhancing therapeutic success. VR serves as an excellent mediator for reigniting engagement in enjoyable activities.
Moreover, cognitive stimulation for elderly individuals is another area where virtual reality proves beneficial. By leveraging technology to make stimulation activities more engaging and accessible, patients and nursing home residents can improve executive functions and memory through specially designed applications.
Today, virtual reality in mental health care is advancing rapidly. Researchers, clinicians, and developers continue to explore new therapeutic targets to offer innovative and effective treatment solutions in the near future.
VR can be used by all healthcare professionals assisting patients with anxiety, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorders, addictions, or other psychological challenges.
It is particularly beneficial for psychologists, psychiatrists, neuropsychologists, specialized nurses, as well as psychomotor therapists, physiotherapists, dietitians, sophrologists, and hypnotherapists. With a wide range of immersive environments, VR enhances therapeutic approaches and provides innovative tools to improve patient care.
Healthcare providers incorporating virtual reality exposure therapy (VRET) expand their range of treatment options. VRET is a well-established therapeutic technique with scientific validation from cognitive-behavioral therapy research.
  • Professional Differentiation: Integrating VR into practice allows therapists to stand out from traditional treatment options.
  • Scientific Validation: VRET is backed by extensive research, reinforcing its credibility as an effective treatment method.
  • Improved Patient Engagement: The interactive nature of VR fosters greater patient involvement in therapy.
  • Time-Saving: VR provides direct access to various exposure environments without needing external logistics.

One of the considerable advantages of virtual reality is that it is effective on a wide spectrum of populations. Existing data from the literature on the subject shows us that it is entirely possible to expose a wide age group to virtual reality, with real therapeutic benefits.

The studies attest, in fact, to excellent feasibility and significant results; particularly in adults, in the treatment of anxiety disorders (including school phobia), autism, addictions, eating disorders, neuropsychological disorders, psychotic disorders and mood disorders.

The results are identical for adolescents with a significant added value concerning therapeutic engagement where virtual reality promotes adolescents' interest in their therapy.

Among elderly subjects, study results encourage the use of virtual reality with the aim of working on cognitive stimulation, on behavioral disorders but also on anxiety.

One of the major advantages of virtual reality is its effectiveness across a broad spectrum of the population. Existing literature on the subject shows that virtual reality can be used with individuals of various age groups, providing significant therapeutic benefits.
Studies confirm excellent feasibility and significant results, particularly among adults in the treatment of anxiety disorders (including school phobia), autism, addictions, eating disorders, neuropsychological disorders, psychotic disorders, and mood disorders.
The results are equally promising for adolescents, with a notable advantage in terms of therapeutic engagement, as virtual reality enhances their interest and participation in treatment.
For older adults, research supports the use of virtual reality to improve cognitive stimulation, behavioral disorders, and anxiety management.
However, people with epilepsy and pregnant individuals are not advised to undergo this type of therapy.
Yes, all our environments are grouped within a single application.
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